Lessons from 14 Years of Marriage

Today, our marriage celebrates its 14th anniversary, entering those sweet teenage years. We’ve experienced a few challenging times, but many more years filled with joy, peace, and laughter. Recently, the Lord blessed our marriage with a little bundle of joy, our son Samuel, and we couldn’t be happier. Of course, our marriage isn’t always rosy—like others, we face our own challenges and differences. Here are a few lessons we’ve learned over the past 14 years:

1. Without Deliverance, Marriage Cannot Last. Freedom is the foundation of a lasting relationship. Marriage is like a garden—you must kill the snakes, plant seeds, and pull weeds. Too often, instead of fighting the snake, people fight their spouses. AFFIRM THE PERSON. ATTACK THE PROBLEM. Address the spiritual issues in your marriage, like demons, strongholds, and hurts.
   Related post: Plant Seeds, Pull Weeds, and Kill Snakes
2. It’s Not Our Job to Change Our Spouse But to Obey God. God changes people; our responsibility is to obey His instructions. God calls us to love, not to change our spouse. Husbands are to love their wives, and wives are to respect their husbands. When we focus on what God has called us to do, He will handle changing our spouse. Your spouse is like a flower—it won’t grow if you try to pull it. Water it instead, and be patient. Don’t guilt-trip, don’t be stingy, demanding, controlling, or manipulative.
   Related post: How Can I Change My Spouse?
3. Learn to Complain To, Not Criticize, Your Spouse. Complaining is sharing your feelings; criticizing is attacking the other person.
4. Learn to Understand, Not Just Respond. We all want to be understood, but we rarely seek to understand the other person. That’s why we need to listen twice as much as we speak. James 1:19 says, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.” We must be slow to speak, slow to anger, and quick to hear. Listen not just to let the other person finish speaking but to connect and understand—that’s a game-changer.
5. Learn Your Spouse’s Love Language. Each of us feels loved differently. For example, I feel loved through acts of service, while my wife feels loved through words of affirmation and quality time. Speaking your spouse’s love language is like learning a foreign language. Falling in love happens by chance; staying in love happens by choice. Learn to love your spouse in the way they feel loved, not just in the way you want to love them.
6. Date Your Mate. Dating is for marriage, and marriage is for dating. Actively pursuing your spouse rekindles the fire in your marriage. Passion is the result of pursuit.
7. Sex is Like Superglue. The devil will do his best to push singles into sex and pull married couples out of it. Sex is given for procreation, pleasure, protection, comfort, and intimacy. It connects people like glue, which is why people develop soul ties when they’re sexually connected. It’s important that sex is not ignored in marriage.
8. Don’t Compare Your Marriage to Other Couples. Comparison leads to coveting, which leads to complaining, and it kills contentment. Your marriage is unique—you can learn from others, but you must run your own race, looking unto Jesus.
9. Let Your Spouse Grow Individually Without Growing Apart. Some spouses are too independent, others too dependent. We found it’s best to be interdependent. Finding a healthy balance in depending on each other is key so that we don’t lose our need for a relationship with Christ and support from friends and family.
10. Marriage is a Priority But Not the Purpose of Life. We don’t sacrifice our marriage for our mission, nor do we make our marriage the mission of life. We live with marriage being on a mission for Jesus Christ. Marriage fulfills God’s call—that’s how we view ours.
    Related blog: Ministry While Married
11. Marriage is Not 50/50; It’s 100/100. Marriage is not a contract where we protect our interests, limit our responsibilities, and safeguard our rights. It’s a covenant where we love each other, not as they love us, but as Christ loved us—and that’s huge.
12. Take Regular 10-minute Walks and Turn Off the TV! Walking is a free, easy exercise that benefits not only your physical health but also your marriage. Watching TV is not connecting with your spouse, and neither is scrolling through social media.
13. Devotional Life Fuels Your Marriage Life. Make your commitment to Christ first, then to your marriage, and then to your spouse. Marriage is like a triangle—the closer both people get to God, the closer they come to each other. In worldly marriages, there’s the husband and wife. In godly marriages, it’s God, husband, and wife—a threefold cord not easily broken.
14. Fight in Marriage Like a Pro, Not Like a Gangster. Marriage fights can either be like a street brawl with no rules or like a professional boxing match. Pro fighters don’t hit below the belt—neither should you in marriage. Don’t hit when the other person is down; comfort them instead. Use protective gear—season your words with grace. Don’t say raw, unfiltered, rude comments. Take time-outs when needed—sometimes staying up to resolve a fight is necessary, but other times you need to sleep on it and resume the conversation with clear heads in the morning. Submit to the referee—submit to the Holy Spirit, and also have people in your life whom you can turn to when you’re both being stubborn.

Thank you for reading.

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We are grateful to all of you whom the Lord has sent me to minister to. If you want to send a happy anniversary message, please comment on this blog. If you want to send a gift directly, you can do so by clicking here.