7 Things to Never Tell Your Spouse

I believe that the words we choose to speak in our marriage can have a lasting effect in building or destroying our union. Words aren’t just released and then they vanish into thin air. Instead, they grow roots in the hearts of our partners and can lead to a great blessing or to a great heartache. In light of this, here are some things you should never say to your spouse, and a few tips for what to replace those statements with.

Avoid Telling Your Spouse This

1. You “always…” or you “never…”

I strongly believe that this simple phrase should be removed from every couple’s vocabulary. While it seems simple and innocent, these is an absolute statement that generalizes a specific time, behavior, or incident. It trigger defensiveness and resentment because it’s not narrowing in a specific act or moment that is in question. The truth is that nobody is always and never, except God.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” So instead of using statements like this, I would encourage you to say, “I feel like this is happening often,” or “It seems like this has been frequent lately.” This tones down your argument and allows for your partner to feel more open to talking.

2. “I wish you were more like…”

Secondly, never compare. When you compare your spouse to someone else, you’re communicating dissatisfaction with them and it breeds insecurity.

The Bible says in Song of Solomon 4:7, “You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” Remember, you didn’t marry someone else, you married them. As a result, take time to celebrate who they are.

I do want to note that encouraging growth or having open conversations and constructive growth talks is not the same as comparison, and should be encouraged in relationships. However, this should be done so wisely.

3. “I don’t care”

Next, it’s important to understand that nothing shuts down communication faster than this little phrase. By stating, “I don’t care,” you’re implying that your spouse’s feelings don’t matter. The Bible tells us in Ephesians 4:29, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.” Instead of saying this phrase, choose to say something along the lines of, “Help me understand why this matters to you.”

4. “Maybe we should just get a divorce”

Another statement I would encourage couples to NEVER even entertain is divorce. This phrase should never enter your conversations or your minds.

In Matthew 19:6 we see a principle that God calls us to live by: “What God has joined together, let no man separate.” In other words, don’t use divorce to win arguments. It’ll breaks down your marriage even if you never follow through.

5. “You’re just like your mother/father”

Another painful statement that couples should steer clear from is any comparison to their parents. Even if it’s true, this can cause damage and often hurts deeply. This is because the statement criticizes their identity and their family. Remember that the tongue holds the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21). In these instances, I would encourage you to address specific behaviors, not character or family comparisons.

6. “It’s all your fault”

Next, is the statement that chooses to state blame constantly to the other person. Doing this is very unwise because blame only creates bitterness and distance. The Bible tells us to carry each other’s burdens,” and this behavior is exactly the opposite (Galatians 6:2). Even if it may be true, I would encourage you to try and say, “How should we resolve this together?”

Remember, blame keeps you stuck but shared responsibility moves you forward.

7. “You’re overreacting”

Lastly, the phrase, “You’re overreacting,” is usually very inflammatory because it invalidates your spouse’s feelings. Choosing to try and understand their feelings, even during heated arguments, can cause fruitful discussion and progression in arguments. Instead of this phrase, try, “I understand why you might be feeling this way. How can I help?”

That simple response can change everything (Romans 12:15).

These small phrases can truly have a powerful effect on the direction your marriage goes. Here are a few more words I would encourage you to continue to say frequently in order to plant healthy seeds that flourish into fruitfulness in your marriage.

5 Things to Say to Your Spouse

Here are some things you could be saying to build your marriage.

1. “I’m sorry” – Humility and repentance will always serve are arms that strengthen your marriage.
2. “I love you” – This daily reminders of affection will help affirm your connection.
3. “How was your day?” – Let them answer it, then go deeper by ask more questions that follow.
4. “Thank you for…” – Build gratitude and appreciation even for small tasks your spouse does.
5. “I am here for you” – Your words matter. Choose the ones that build your marriage.

Read: How to Have a New Marriage with the Same Spouse