Often, people believe that if they just switch spouses, all of their issues will also disappear. However, one thing I like to remind people is that the common denominator in every marriage is you.

A study published in 2002 by Linda Waite, a sociologist from the University of Chicago, found that unhappily married adults who divorced or separated were not significantly happier than those who stayed married. In fact, the study found that 2/3 unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later.

In a culture where happiness is the reason people exist, some think the grass is greener on the other side, but research has proven that grass is only green when you water it. If your marriage has a leaking roof, you don’t need a new house, you need a new roof. If it’s toxic, abusive, and there is a threat to your life and your children, the house is on fire—run from it. But if the house simply has a leaking roof, you don’t need a new house; you just need help.

Here are a few ways to help strengthen your marriage.

How to Have a New Marriage

1. You can get a new marriage with the same spouse.

You can have a new marriage with the same spouse. You don’t need to change spouses to have a new marriage. You need to change your attitude, you need to change your approach, you need to change your mindset.

2. You can get a renewed marriage if you refuel your marriage regularly.

The Bible says, “And walk in love, as Christ has also loved us and given Himself for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweet-smelling aroma” (Ephesians 5:2). Notice that Paul does not say, “Fall in love.” Falling is always accidental, while walking is intentional.

3. You can have a new marriage if you find a new strategy to fight successfully.

Next, it’s important to understand that the success of a marriage does not come in finding the right person, but in the ability for both partners to adjust to the real person they married. In my marriage, when we were dating, we had everything in common. Then I started to notice how different my wife was. Often, opposites attract, but in marriage, opposites often attack.

How to Fight Like a Pro in Marriage

There are two ways to fight: you can fight like a gangster, or you can fight like a pro.

In marriages where they fight like gangsters, the goal is to inflict as much pain on the other person. In marriages where, the couple fights like pros, and the goal is to win the fight. Here are some guidelines I would recommend for you to fight like a pro.

1. Don’t hit below the belt.

In a boxing match, a rule is you don’t hit below the belt. In other words, don’t bring a past issue into a present argument. Don’t raise your voice or your hands, and don’t be sarcastic during a fight.

2. Don’t hit when they are down.

In a professional match, you don’t hit the other person when they’re down. I would encourage couples to be aware of this. Complaining says, “I feel like you don’t love me,” versus “You never love me.” Words like “never” and “always” shouldn’t be part of our vocabulary when we’re fighting.

3. Put on gloves.

Next, make sure you’re equipped. In other words, season your speech with grace. Threatening the other person with divorce is opening the door to a spirit of divorce. Remove divorce from your vocabulary.

4. Take a timeout.

In professional boxing, there’s a timeout. Sometimes, you need to reassure the other person, “We’re okay, and we will talk about it tomorrow.” Paul, in Ephesians chapter 4:26, says, ‘Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath.’ Sometimes, it’s important to stay up and fight, but other times you may need to go to bed mad and work it out in the morning. 

5. Submit to the referee

It’s important to remember that this is about settling an argument, not winning the argument. You can disagree and be mature people who prefer one another over being right.

You can have a new marriage if you refuel your marriage. Choose to learn their love language and learn to walk in love. Don’t focus on falling in love or even on feeling love because those feelings come and go. Choose to walk in love.

Remember, fight like a pro, not like a gangster.

Read: Debunking the 5 Myths of Marriage