Marriage is not something that anyone should approach lightly. I believe it is one of the most important decisions a person can make in their life. Many people walk into marriage with high expectations but low preparation. Often like Jacob, they go to sleep thinking it’s Rachel and wake up with Leah, realizing the person they married isn’t who they thought.

While people change over time, many couples enter marriage without truly knowing each other, which is why I have created this list to help you ask the tough questions before it’s too late.

Essential Questions to Ask

1. Are you born again? What is your testimony of salvation?
2. Do you feel like you’ve discovered your purpose in life yet? How would you describe it?
3. Are you more conservative or progressive in your beliefs?
4. How many kids would you like, and how soon after marriage?
5. Do you tithe? If so, how often and how much?
6. What is your five-year or 10-year career goal?
7. What is your love language?
8. How do you handle disagreements—space or immediate discussion?
9. How much debt do you have, including loans and collections?
10. What is your credit score?
11. How much do you save each month?
12. What are your monthly expenses?
13. Joint or separate bank accounts?
14. How do you handle stress and pressure?
15. What are your hobbies and how do you spend free time?
16. How many times a year would you like to travel?
17. Which household chores would you take responsibility for?
18. How do you feel about pets in the house?
19. What are your eating habits and dietary preferences?
20. How do you approach sexual intimacy and expectations?
21. How would you handle interference from in-laws or family?
22. What are your fears about marriage?
23. What are your views on different parenting styles/values?
24. What would you do differently from your parents in parenting?
25. Views on reproductive medicine if facing fertility issues?
26. Are you open to adoption?
27. How should we handle caring for elderly family members?
28. What is your vision for retirement?
29. Are you currently saving for retirement?
30. How often would you like to see your friends?
31. Thoughts on a prenup agreement?
32. Who would you include in our will besides future children?
33. Any concerns about my social media profiles?
34. Is there anyone I follow that makes you uncomfortable?
35. Should there be access to each other’s phones and messages?
36. What are the biblical roles of husband and wife?
37. Who are the Christian people who’ve influenced your view on marriage?
38. Importance of sexual purity and boundaries?
39. Vision for our prayer life as a couple?
40. How do you tackle transparency and accountability in your spiritual life?
41. How would we handle spiritual disagreements?
42. Expectations on participating in small groups or Bible studies?
43. What would you do if our children question their faith?
44. How can we support each other’s spiritual growth?
45. Thoughts on countercultural lifestyles (homeschooling, etc.)?
46. Views on “once saved, always saved”?
47. What are your beliefs on Christians being demon-possessed or oppressed?
48. What’s your understanding of the gift of tongues and its practice today?
49. Beliefs on the timing of the rapture?
50. What do you consider cheating?
51. What are your thoughts on traveling with friends without each other?
52. What do you like/dislike about your parents’ marriage?
53. Relationship deal-breakers?
54. Unhealed past experiences?
55. City or suburbs for settling down?
56. Past relationships within our current circle?
57. Stay-at-home parenting or both working?
58. How would we balance holidays with both families?
59. What are your views on tattoos?
60. What are your views on alcohol?
61. What does respect look like to you?
62. What makes you feel loved?
63. Are close friends of the opposite sex after marriage okay?
64. Importance of physical appearance in a partner?

Read: Stop Dating Like the World Does